Lots of why's

Last night I was rocking Charley until he stopped coughing, and I couldn't get over how big he is. He is half the length of me and to think that this is how he started out. You can see why I am a psycho mother. I hover over him with every cough, wheeze and am constantly saying Charley don't run, even though I know it is good for him. I also check to see if he is breathing every night. I got this thought in my head....why do bad things happen to good people? Why do loved ones die too early, lose jobs, homes, marriages, get cancer? Why have we been unsuccessful at adoption? Why, why, why? I think back to the day my water broke with Charley. I was only 18 weeks along. The chances were slim to none. So I got to praying and guess what? It worked! The more I prayed, the calmer I stayed. I do not know how on earth I managed to sit in a hospital bed for 10 weeks with only a mini tv for company and not go crazy. I was in terrible pain, was greaving over an aunt who died while I was there and missing the funeral, and constantly hearing the cries of women next door. I pray for their babies. I thanked God every day for letting me sit in that bed, for growing a little larger and asked for one more day. I told the doctors I was going to sit there til I was 28 weeks along. They looked at me like I was a mental patient. I was 3 days shy of my goal. I was numb after he was born. I had no tears left to cry for him. He could only be visited for 1 hour a day and only touched gently so we didn't damage his skin. One couldn't have an experience like this and not believe in God. Impossible. Charley has changed our lifes! I think God allows people to go through trying times to test us, not to punish us. When times are tough, who do we ask for help? We have many family and friends going through such times right now and that is why I am writing this. Prayers do get answered, although some might not be in ways that we would expect or when we want them. I couldn't figure out why we still haven't adopted a child. We have had 3 homestudies done, 3 background checks, visited immigration offices, and completed moutains of paperwork and have paid money we will never see again. The room is ready and filled with clothes and toys. I really am a psycho. But now I see why. We are not only moving, but changing careers, and God says NOT YET. I know our time will come. Unfortunately patience is something I am not good at. Not a good trait when raising children, I know. Greg says "we really don't have to do this", but this need to adopt is way to strong to ignore. With millions of orphans out there, I have to help at least one. (Shhh don't tell Greg, but I would take two, he says without a doubt 3 is max) Okay enough rambling.